Understanding Avoidant Tendencies (and How to Re-Parent Yourself)
I used to have strong avoidant tendencies.
The moment emotional discomfort would arise (in relation to another), I would become defensive.
I would retreat.
I would create a wall.
I understand now that my patterns of avoidance were rooted deep within my subconscious, alerting my body-mind whether it was safe to be seen, heard or have my needs met in any given situation.
If the feeling of safety wasn't present—whether due to lack of communication, misunderstanding, taking something personally or boundary violation—avoidant behaviours would surface.
This kind of subconscious response is often developed in childhood.
As children, we are vulnerable and require parents/guardians to meet most, if not all, of our needs on an ongoing basis. If, for whatever reason, our parents were unable to consistently and reliably meet our physical, emotional and energetic needs, we may have felt unsafe, unsupported, unloved.
This would have lead to the attempt to meet our own needs by way of self-soothing. Perhaps this was by throwing a tantrum, running away, holding a grudge. Behaviours that later as adults, translate to defensiveness, retreating, building walls.
For some of us (and in my case), we may become tired of running the same destructive avoidance patterning. If we become aware and are interested in taking matters into our own hands, we can begin the process of re-parenting ourselves; acknowledging when we feel unsafe (or unsupported, unloved) and finding and creating safety for ourselves in new and healthy ways.
6 Ways to Re-Parent Yourself
Strengthening personal boundaries; taking accountability for your wellbeing by determining what feels like a yes and no
Self-validation; practicing affirmations and giving credit to yourself and your innate humanness
Awareness and acceptance of feelings; being able to identify a wide range of emotions and to see the value in your feelings
Accountability; taking responsibility for your actions, learning from your mistakes, following through with commitments and goals with compassion and understanding
Clear communication; learning to express yourself clearly and effectively, often from a place of vulnerability
Seek support; exploring healing modalities like Craniosacral Therapy, Somatic Experiencing and Psychotherapy can provide a safe space to heal old wounds, come into insights/realizations more quickly and with ease and support in emotional regulation.
In time and practice, we may find that old ways of being simply don't fit any more. People, places and things that once felt like a yes, might now feel like a no. And although the process to re-parenting is non-linear (there may be challenges and setbacks) consistency in showing up to do hard things will pave the way to living a life that feels full of love, honesty, clarity and freedom.
